Wouldn't it be nice....

Often times I, like so many people, would love to pick the mind of God and ask Him how He measures time. Particularly when something that seems like forever to us is in reality rather brief. Things like waiting, you know, waiting for some means of public transportation, waiting for a phone call, waiting for news of a job interview, it seems endless, but really it is not. Our time on earth is short considering our soul is eternal. Most of the time we never even consider that spin on things. And if a person grows up in a traditional Catholic household, waiting for something is called a test of patience, which builds up virtue. At the time, most of us are not interested in virtue, we just want what we want. But what is in the mind of God? Isn't is it virtue that draws us closer to Him? And so we come back around to the beginning...God is patient with us and asks us to wait for His mark, His Word, His time for ALL THINGS! In that way, we draw closer to Him! Isn't that what life is all about anyway? I mean, we have no life without God anyhow, so why not let Him call the shots!

The Other Side

It has been a week now since I left Connecticut and all that I knew for almost 15 years. Never would I have believed that God would lead me away from the religious order that I loved so much, but the signs are bright and clear that this is the path He wants me on now. The discernment process itself was long and painful, almost two years...talking with a spiritual director, my confessor, and superiors.
But I am on the other side now, and slowly, I am trying to engage in normal activities and socialize with people who knew me before I entered Religious life. I don't know what to say to people anymore, and some of the things I could say would be a cause for scandal, so it is better to keep it to myself.

God is working in all of this....I just have to listen.

Better days ahead

Well, as the day draws closer for me to depart, and as the grieving and questions still arise, it seems that there are better days ahead. God desires our happiness IN HIM and WITH HIM and since that is what this new call is beginning to show me, I lean towards it a little more and a little more each day. The trust that had been destroyed here is something that must be rebuilt, and only God could do that. What's not to love!

Mountains and valleys

Life is filled with mountains and valleys, ups and downs. However, as I was reflecting on God's perspective, it could be that since He observes everything on a different plane, that in fact it is not really much different - the highs and the lows. The only consistency we need is our trust in Him at all times - during the up and the downs. This is the beginning of that journey for me, or maybe the re-beginning. One never really knows what is the mind of God as Sacred Scripture tells us, but what we can be sure of is that He is single minded in His love for us. And that love prompts Him to steer the ship of life in whatever direction needed for our sanctification and growth in holiness. He only wants us to be with Him for all eternity! We just have to want that in return and live a coherent life that proves it!

It is still difficult to know...

In making this journey back into the lay state, it was my decision to inform those with whom I served and worked closely among the laity. The responses have been varied and heartfelt. Many are in disbelief, some are understanding and supportive, but like myself, it is a "what happened?" kind of feeling. That will be part of my journey, to find out what happened in the cosmic plan of my personal sanctification. God alone knows how we are to get to the end point, and sometimes I wish He would let me in on the details. Yet, that is a key factor in my lack of trust - lack of trust for God and authority - so many times I have been harshly betrayed. But yet, in my heart of hearts, I love God and want with all my being to serve Him, to know Him, and to just walk with Him. I believe, help my unbelief! I love you, Lord! Show me what that really means!

What is a confidence?

Once again, human nature does not cease to amaze me. Today I learned that, in fact, my "personal business" has been spread around like fine flakes of snow around the area where I have lived and served. In reality, it makes no difference. Better that I know about it and hear about it now than down the road and the message is like that of the child’s game "Telephone." The objective truth seems to be a slippery eel! Purposefully, I told a couple of people so that they would not be shocked to find me gone. Now I have to tell people so that they hear it "straight from the horse’s mouth!" Patience is the only answer.

You should not ask, "What next?"

It never ceases to amaze me how people deal with things so very differently. There is need for me to explore how to "stay with" an emotion so that it does not carry me away. Today I had such an opportunity when someone suggested to me that either my "gift" be "parceled out" to me or that I was being told when, how and where to spend it! Amazing! Nowhere but where I am right now, have I ever had people tell me how to use a gift! Even God does not do that! So in all the flurry, I try to enter the "quiet zone" within and stay with Jesus, to listen to Him and see what He wants me to take away from all this. The confusion and frustration are incredible sometimes!

With a heavy heart

One of most difficult things in transitioning to another state of life is telling people about it. A certain process of mourning has to take place, but cannot be overcome with other passions and emotions. It is amazing to me that God truly "writes straight with crooked lines" as they say, when it comes to taking you out of one reality and placing you in another for the good of your soul - and most likely for the good of the souls of others as well. The most encouraging words I received were from my superior and my spiritual director who said to me that people would have the grace to accept this change because it is God's will. So far, I have to say that is what I have witnessed, and so I am further strengthened by this graciousness of God in allowing me to see His Hand at work. Thank you, dear God!

It is not easy...

Listening for the voice of God is not easy. Even if one is in a state of life where "hearing" God should be found easy, because we are human, the same issues can arise. Also, it can be said that we are our own worst enemies when it comes to a closer relationship with God, as we tend to sabotage His efforts. True freedom is essential. This freedom is what I seek and desire with all my heart...then I will be able to "hear" God clearly.