It is still difficult to know...

In making this journey back into the lay state, it was my decision to inform those with whom I served and worked closely among the laity. The responses have been varied and heartfelt. Many are in disbelief, some are understanding and supportive, but like myself, it is a "what happened?" kind of feeling. That will be part of my journey, to find out what happened in the cosmic plan of my personal sanctification. God alone knows how we are to get to the end point, and sometimes I wish He would let me in on the details. Yet, that is a key factor in my lack of trust - lack of trust for God and authority - so many times I have been harshly betrayed. But yet, in my heart of hearts, I love God and want with all my being to serve Him, to know Him, and to just walk with Him. I believe, help my unbelief! I love you, Lord! Show me what that really means!

What is a confidence?

Once again, human nature does not cease to amaze me. Today I learned that, in fact, my "personal business" has been spread around like fine flakes of snow around the area where I have lived and served. In reality, it makes no difference. Better that I know about it and hear about it now than down the road and the message is like that of the child’s game "Telephone." The objective truth seems to be a slippery eel! Purposefully, I told a couple of people so that they would not be shocked to find me gone. Now I have to tell people so that they hear it "straight from the horse’s mouth!" Patience is the only answer.

You should not ask, "What next?"

It never ceases to amaze me how people deal with things so very differently. There is need for me to explore how to "stay with" an emotion so that it does not carry me away. Today I had such an opportunity when someone suggested to me that either my "gift" be "parceled out" to me or that I was being told when, how and where to spend it! Amazing! Nowhere but where I am right now, have I ever had people tell me how to use a gift! Even God does not do that! So in all the flurry, I try to enter the "quiet zone" within and stay with Jesus, to listen to Him and see what He wants me to take away from all this. The confusion and frustration are incredible sometimes!

With a heavy heart

One of most difficult things in transitioning to another state of life is telling people about it. A certain process of mourning has to take place, but cannot be overcome with other passions and emotions. It is amazing to me that God truly "writes straight with crooked lines" as they say, when it comes to taking you out of one reality and placing you in another for the good of your soul - and most likely for the good of the souls of others as well. The most encouraging words I received were from my superior and my spiritual director who said to me that people would have the grace to accept this change because it is God's will. So far, I have to say that is what I have witnessed, and so I am further strengthened by this graciousness of God in allowing me to see His Hand at work. Thank you, dear God!

It is not easy...

Listening for the voice of God is not easy. Even if one is in a state of life where "hearing" God should be found easy, because we are human, the same issues can arise. Also, it can be said that we are our own worst enemies when it comes to a closer relationship with God, as we tend to sabotage His efforts. True freedom is essential. This freedom is what I seek and desire with all my heart...then I will be able to "hear" God clearly.